Haggard

Michelangelo Signorile interviewed Michael Jones, the escort who outed Ted Haggard. It wasn't until I read that interview (excerpts posted at AmericaBlog) and had a chance to think about it that I really began to feel for Haggard. I still have no sympathy for this gay bashing, and never will, but I feel for the person.

MJ: He said he wanted an appointment with me. He came to my apartment. And the clothes came right off. The first time it was pretty much mutual masturbation, then in time oral sex. He was really pretty vanilla. Only once in three years did we try anal sex.

MS: Was he a top or bottom? What was he interested in?

MJ: When I was on the radio show in Denver, the question was asked: Did you practice safe sex? I said, 'We used a condom once." The talk show host goes, "You mean he wore the condom once?" I said, "Uh, no, I did."

Strange as it may seem, this is the part that got to me. It describes a man who is tentative, maybe a little fearful, and desperate -- not for hot sex, but for sex of any sort with a man, and maybe something more. I started to wonder if maybe the sex wasn't just an excuse. Maybe not -- Jones said they never spent more than an hour together. Haggard obviously wasn't interested in a relationship other than the barely physical. Of course, that could also be because he subscribes to a religion that sees sex as only physical, when his soul knows better, even if his mind doesn't. (Remember, it's not the godless liberals who want to turn everyone into breeding stock.)

Among other things, acting the bottom means you want to be held, you want to give up your "masculine" role for a while, maybe even feel cherished and protected. (If you have the right partner.) I don't know -- I can't know, in this case -- but maybe.

At any rate, that suddenly became my image: frightened, desperate, and maybe finally just tired of living a lie.